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Пользователь Сообщение: Start off your day with a bit of humour        (Тема#73815)
TiggyWiggs 
grrrr
TiggyWiggs
С нами с 08.02.01
Посты: 6762
05.07.13 20:56 United States #1596225
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32710
19.09.13 15:46 [Re: TiggyWiggs] Ukraine #1625522
Seagull management

"Seagull managers fly in, make a lot of noise, dump on everyone, then fly out." © Ken Blanchard
Toro 
мясник-тореадор
Toro
Возраст: 38
: Kiev
С нами с 16.11.05
Посты: 18252
19.09.13 17:36 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1625590
There's more of this here
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32710
12.11.13 09:34 [Re: Toro] Ukraine #1647004
What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get your girl
back, your dog back, your pick-up back, and you stop drinking.
© Louis Saaberdra
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32710
16.01.14 11:00 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1677026
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The barternder: "Hey, where did you get that?"
The frog: "Brooklyn. They're everywhere!"
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32710
28.01.14 14:35 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1685073
#fsck /dev/ua
ERROR
All governance branches corrupted.
Reformat all partitions? Y

Checking watchdog...
/dev/ua/cvk not responding
Cunter has not been found.
Crosslinked with /dev/ua/power/senate now.
Warning, check watchdog manually. Without that, all next steps may be
unsuccessful.

format /dev/ua/power/senate
Many old farts has been found.
Format complete.
format /dev/ua/power/goverment
Language not rekagnised.
Format complete.
format /dev/ua/power/president
Strange big thing found. Hang... Not complete. Killed in action.
Format complete.
format /dev/ua/power/justice
Justice not found. Create new? Y
Not enought space.

Kernel panic. System hangs.
TiggyWiggs 
grrrr
TiggyWiggs
С нами с 08.02.01
Посты: 6762
05.06.14 11:16 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1749588
Политики Украины и России вещают на инглише
oops sorry,
Ukrainian and russian politics "broadcasting" in English


Отредактировано TiggyWiggs 05.06.14 11:26. Причина редактирования: Причина не указана.
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32710
20.07.14 19:28 [Re: TiggyWiggs] Ukraine #1765525
- Моня, как по-английски будет "за"?
- "Behind", а тебе зачем?
- Хочу спросить у того негра за его кадиллак.
BrushLee 
капитан
BrushLee
Возраст: 51
: AZ
С нами с 14.08.02
Посты: 693
25.07.14 00:59 [Re: Silent Dude] United States #1767773
He's such a looser..... he lives with his parents!!! And his parents live with their parents!!!

He's such a dick.... when he gets viagra he's getting taller!
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32710
09.12.15 10:05 [Re: BrushLee] Ukraine #1900182


©

Прикрепления: SantaX.png (88.81 KB) 89 Просмотр(ы)

minemax 
полковник
minemax
: Киев
С нами с 18.12.05
Посты: 6408
09.12.15 10:14 [Re: BrushLee] Ukraine #1900183
  • BrushLee :
He's such a looser.....


https://painfulenglish.wordpress.com/2013/07/11/loose-or-lose-looser-or-loser/
М4 
мил чилавег
: Киев
С нами с 27.04.03
Посты: 7876
16.08.16 21:35 [Re: minemax] Ukraine #1925462
http://usdailymail.com/2016/08/13/alabama-legislator-angry-that-state-of-georgia-allowed-in-olympics...
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32710
02.09.16 11:20 [Re: М4] Ukraine #1926472



Прикрепления: 0252817858333_n.jpg (40.4 KB) 77 Просмотр(ы)

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