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Пользователь Сообщение: Anecdotes        (Тема#82857)
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32730
26.04.15 20:03 Ukraine #1856285
A conversation between the God and the Apostle Andrew.
„Today I am going to create a land called Ukraine. This will be a stunningly beautiful land. It will have plains, mountains, rivers, seas, minerals, full of natural gifts. There will be the most beautiful women. Its hard-working people will prosper and be the most peaceful and friendly in the world.“
„Lord, aren't you too kind to these Ukrainians?“
„No. You will realize it when you see what neighbors I'll give them.“
JohnnyDepp 
лейтенант
JohnnyDepp
Возраст: 32
: Львів
С нами с 01.01.09
Посты: 287
04.05.15 21:12 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1858342
Calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
minemax 
полковник
minemax
: Киев
С нами с 18.12.05
Посты: 6408
12.06.15 14:25 [Re: JohnnyDepp] Ukraine #1867452
Patient: "Doctor, my tongue really hurts."
Doctor: "Does your tongue hurt all the time?"
Patient: "No, but it really hurts when I bite down hard on it."
Doctor: "Well, don't do that!"
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32730
04.11.15 17:18 [Re: minemax] Ukraine #1894062



Прикрепления: 006858239626_n.jpg (39.1 KB) 85 Просмотр(ы)

Fisheraniac 
ЯUY
Fisheraniac
Возраст: 35
: Киев-Харьков
С нами с 18.10.08
Посты: 4634
04.11.15 17:50 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1894076


Marvel 
подполковник
Marvel
Возраст: 40
: Ukraine
С нами с 23.01.04
Посты: 2657
04.11.15 21:15 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1894133
файний анек!!! сміявсь дуже, Danke schцn!...
minemax 
полковник
minemax
: Киев
С нами с 18.12.05
Посты: 6408
05.11.15 10:42 [Re: Marvel] Ukraine #1894245
Marvel 
подполковник
Marvel
Возраст: 40
: Ukraine
С нами с 23.01.04
Посты: 2657
05.11.15 23:39 [Re: minemax] Ukraine #1894434
laughed too...
KpuBeHbKi_PyKu 
убийца SSD
KpuBeHbKi_PyKu
С нами с 02.05.09
Посты: 1809
13.11.15 11:25 [Re: Marvel] Ukraine #1895947
The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India .
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala .
If we purchase a car it will go to Japan .
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan ...and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA .
KAXAPUH 
Шушик
KAXAPUH
Возраст: 10
: Киев, родная Соломенка
С нами с 17.08.11
Посты: 6824
13.11.15 13:28 [Re: KpuBeHbKi_PyKu] Ukraine #1895981
Nice
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32730
16.12.15 09:46 [Re: KAXAPUH] Ukraine #1901397
- Do you speak English?
- Настя.
aZ 
езмъ Он
aZ
Возраст: 35
: Украина
С нами с 22.08.08
Посты: 12090
05.01.16 13:31 [Re: Silent Dude] Romania #1904403
Why does the the human mind ignore the second "the"?
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32730
22.10.16 19:01 [Re: aZ] Ukraine #1929838
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Евлампий Петрович 
йожег
Евлампий Петрович
: Zhytomyr
С нами с 22.07.11
Посты: 7139
03.11.16 01:55 [Re: Silent Dude] Ukraine #1930587
My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood me when I said: ,,I wanna watch"
Евлампий Петрович 
йожег
Евлампий Петрович
: Zhytomyr
С нами с 22.07.11
Посты: 7139
14.11.16 01:49 [Re: Евлампий Петрович] Ukraine #1931354
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
Евлампий Петрович 
йожег
Евлампий Петрович
: Zhytomyr
С нами с 22.07.11
Посты: 7139
30.01.19 23:24 [Re: Евлампий Петрович] Ukraine #1961329
These are Natsik from C14, a certain Crucian, a bald glowing erysipelas - «Это нацики из С-14, некий Карась, лысая светящаяся рожа».

Приготовьтесь поорать.
Сегодня я узнала, что Детектор.Медиа переводит свои разборы российской пропаганды на английский. Само по себе разоблачение фейков и манипуляций - дело, безусловно, благородное. Но то, что предстоит прочитать англоязычной аудитории ДМ, повергло меня в легкий ужас.

“Glory, are you now in lace panties?” - “No, in boxing,” answered “Glory” - «Слава, ты сейчас в кружевных трусиках?» — «Нет, в боксерских», — ответил «Слава».

Итак, небольшой разговорник Детектор.Медиа для тех, кто хочет не ударить фейсом об gryaz' в светской беседе:

***

Primate of Epiphany - предстоятель Епифаний;
a fainted priest - упавший в обморок священник;
the dark band began - началась черная полоса;
the true face of Constantinople saw the whole world - истинное лицо Константинополя увидел весь мир;
Hallmarks and Patriarch Bartholomew - клеймили и патриарха Варфоломея;
Tomos has become election campaigner - wow;
the court of God - суд божий;
disassembled - разобран на цитаты;
Poroshenko and Bartholomew will not be stolen from the Orthodox Christmas - ААААААА;
But these are still flowers - это еще цветочки;
Metropolitan Pavlo (Swan), the viceroy of the Kyiv-Pecherska Lavra - АААААААААААААААА;
The incident fell into the net - Инцидент попал в сеть;
Ukrainian spectators of electroshock - украинские зрители ток-шоу (!);
I drank a lot - видимо, просто оставшаяся на полях жалоба переводчика;
What nobody expected was a Bandera shouting "Glory to Ukraine, heroes of glory in the walls of the 400-year-old church," - ГОСПОДИ ИИСУСЕ;
Blood colder in the veins of both believers and atheists from only one plot name - Кровь стынет в жилах и верующих, и атеистов только от одного названия сюжета;
a notebook clown - записной клоун;
thrash reports - трэшевые репортажи;
Maryna Poroshenko's nipples were torn to the will in the church - Соски Марины Порошенко рвались на волю в церкви.
©FB Marina Moynihan
Silent Dude 
голос разума
Silent Dude
: Paradise
С нами с 18.02.10
Посты: 32730
28.02.19 10:26 [Re: Евлампий Петрович] Ukraine #1961834
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The Manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."

The Manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.
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